SELLER: Pacman JonesLOCATION: North Chapel Road, Franklin, TN
PRICE: $1,799,950
SIZE: 5,845 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Pacman Jones Estate on 30 acres with a private 2 acre lake with boat docks. Huge 8 stall horse barn...Massive compound with 3 homes...This is the ultimate property in Middle Tn...Less than 2 miles to interstate 65. Priced well below market value.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Quick. Somebody bring Your Mama the nerve pills. The big ones.
We have been getting emails about this ass-uglee property since late last week (and it's now been reported far and wide), but given our recent technological ish-oos Your Mama has been way-layed and delayed in bringing the children up to date on the Franklin, TN estate of Pacman Jones that was recently put on the market for $1,799,900.
As someone who spends considerable time and energy flipping the channel away from ESPN and Monday Night Football, Your Mama didn't have a clue who the curiously named Pacman Jones is or what he does that warrants him be labeled a celebrity. Thankfully, a gorgeous gal who calls herself Redneck Reba informed Your Mama that Mister Pacman is not a video game character like we imagined, but rather he's a professional football player and titanic trouble magnet who plays a position called cornerback–whatever that is–and was recently traded from the Nashville Titans to the Dallas Cowboys. The young man was also recently whacked by the po-po for allegedly smacking some ladee in the face in an Atlanta strip club. Whaaat?! And children, this was apparently not the first time the young man got into trouble with the law or, in fact, the first time he was reported to be linked to a serious strip club kerfuffle. Lawhd have mercy, this man would do well to stay away from any and all establishments that serve liquor and utilize greased poles as day-core.
Anyhoo, now that Mister Pacman will be moving to Dallas (or perhaps he already has), he's no longer in need of this 30.36 acre spread in rural and famous folk friendly Franklin, TN that property records reveal he purchased in July of 2006 for $1,575,000 from ack-tress Andrea Fry and writer/producer Michael Zomber, a couple of industry people with itty bitty resumes on the Internet Movie Data Base.
When Redneck Reba first contacted Your Mama she asked, "Have you seen the ugliest house in Franklin, TN yet?"
And Your Mama thought, innocently, "How bad can it be?"
Well children, as you can see, it's about as bad as it can be.
Nobody, and we mean no-bah-dee, including Your Mama or our ball crazy pal Fiona Trambeau–a tart who knows intimate things about men who play with balls for a living–expects a professional football player in his early twenties flush with fat paychecks from the Tennessee Titans to live tastefully. But Jeezis, Mary and Joseph does every room need to have puffy black leather furniture and a behemoth wall mounted, porn ready boob-toob?
We recognize that Mister Pacman may not have been inclined to hire himself a nice gay decorator to help him out with his selection of lamps and couch cushions, but couldn't he have at least asked for a little decorating help from Tawny Tweenerlegs down at the local Strip and Bowl? Seriously.
Granted, the grounds are gorgeous, bucolic and horsey and we do love the private lake which we feel would be a lot less corny and Disneyland-ish if someone flipped the switch to turn off those silly fountain things. But the brick built house is, well, we don't mean to offend anyone, but it's an absolute disaster. In addition to the 5,875 square foot main house with it's 5 bedrooms and 4 full and 2 half bathrooms there are two other residences with untold numbers of bedrooms, bathrooms and black leather couches. In all serious, this would be an excellent home for a man with two or three wives. Or perhaps a woman with two or three huzbands...as Judy Tenuta would say, "It could happen."
That's all we have to say on the matter since any more would have us laid out under the table passed out from the hideosity and the gin and tonics. And that won't do because Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have reservations at a ridiculously expensive but dee-lishusly tasty Mexican restaurant tonight and we want to be sober for the experience...at least when we get there.
We're sure some of you are wondering where Mister Pacman is living now that he's a Texan by profession. Well, we could look it up and ask our people in Dallas, but puppies, we just do not want to know that this man is out there buying and filling up some gigantic house in the suburbs of Dallas with more big beds covered in black fabric, nailing a dozen or more flat screen boob toobs to the walls and sticking a giant hot tub out on the deck in the back.
13 comments:
Mama, this may well be the most hideous property that you've ever posted. My first thought was that it looked like a prison, so I kinda chuckled when I read that he'd been in trouble with the law. He'll feel right at home one day when he'll inevitably end up in a real jail.
Let's hope he'll toss some of those awful reclining chairs in his swamp before he moves.
Speechless! Well, not quite. I think there should be a law that requires a builder to call an intervention when a client wants something like this built. I don't blame the football player. He just wants "a big fancy house". The builder should have known better. You'd think that he'd want to guard his own reputation. Oh well.
Yeah, TN version of the Fiddy NoSence house in Connecticut. Gauronteed no damn architect--just a dumb redneck builder--wanting to do "some big things". Who would buy this mess?? Who would build it and say "look what I dun?" and be proud of themselves--not one of mama's kids. Too bad they had to ruin 30 acres of pristine land with a eyesore like this that would make a bulldozer cringe.
Todd, playing nice in West Hollywood this time
Well, it is one thing for a young and naive footballer to want "bigger and better" but what on earth were those two IMDB mentioned people thinking?
"Oh honey, I've always, always, always wanted to live in a Federal Facility for the Deranged - just imagine the role play" - is that where its at?
I'm scooting back to the pictures of Mrs. Astor's property as a cure for biliousness.
Thanks for the posts Mama and hope you're website gets well soon.
Looks like a place they would take you to for deprograming after they snatched you from a cult compound. Mama, thanks for the temporary home but if this is the neighborhood.......let's get back home!
I'd try marketing this one to cult leaders...it has that vibe.
Snowman, you sort of beat me to it!
Technically he's a Cowboy by profession, not a Texan, Mama, as the Texans are the otherTexas team. Kind of like pork being the other white meat.
I'm full of blame to the builder. Even a nice gay decorator would have trouble salvaging those hideously out-of-proportion rooms. And I agree with pch and snowman about the whole cult compound vibe.
It's early stripper meets late Soviet Polit Bureau dacha with a little kim Jong-Il watching porn with a bottle of black market Scotch kind of a vibe.
Kim Jong-Il......yes.........perfect!
That bedroom... jebbeebus! It's the size of a basketball court!
My first thought was "So, that's where Chandler and Joey's Lay-z-boy's went.
With all the homeless in the world, someone had the nerve and gall to construct this monstrosity???
It's vulgar, charmless, and an offense to the eye - and unrelentingly beige too.
Can you imagine when that couple stood back on the lawn and said to themselves, "Perfect! It's just what we wanted!" The horror is difficult to contemplate.
That they found a buyer for it is even more astounding - with 30 acres to work with, at that price, surely Mr. Balls could have torn this prison-like Home Despot dee-zine-er showcase on steroids down; it's overwhelmingly ugly and astonishingly unlivable. If I had been dragged here to be deprogrammed, I would have run screaming back to that cult in a flash.
I feel like my eye sockets have been raped.
Why, Mama, why? We've been good chilruns . . .
lgb, I can't stop laughing at the thought of someone saying, "Perfect! It's just what we wanted!" Seriously, can you imagine someone saying that?
Perhaps the seller should circulate these photos to location scouts because this really would be a perfect property on which to film some type of cult film, or a film about a mental institution. Maybe they could use this when they decide to do a movie of the week about those sad polygamists in Texas.
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