Pacman's Palace

SELLER: Pacman Jones
LOCATION: North Chapel Road, Franklin, TN
PRICE: $1,799,950
SIZE: 5,845 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Pacman Jones Estate on 30 acres with a private 2 acre lake with boat docks. Huge 8 stall horse barn...Massive compound with 3 homes...This is the ultimate property in Middle Tn...Less than 2 miles to interstate 65. Priced well below market value.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Quick. Somebody bring Your Mama the nerve pills. The big ones.

We have been getting emails about this ass-uglee property since late last week (and it's now been reported far and wide), but given our recent technological ish-oos Your Mama has been way-layed and delayed in bringing the children up to date on the Franklin, TN estate of Pacman Jones that was recently put on the market for $1,799,900.

As someone who spends considerable time and energy flipping the channel away from ESPN and Monday Night Football, Your Mama didn't have a clue who the curiously named Pacman Jones is or what he does that warrants him be labeled a celebrity. Thankfully, a gorgeous gal who calls herself Redneck Reba informed Your Mama that Mister Pacman is not a video game character like we imagined, but rather he's a professional football player and titanic trouble magnet who plays a position called cornerback–whatever that is–and was recently traded from the Nashville Titans to the Dallas Cowboys. The young man was also recently whacked by the po-po for allegedly smacking some ladee in the face in an Atlanta strip club. Whaaat?! And children, this was apparently not the first time the young man got into trouble with the law or, in fact, the first time he was reported to be linked to a serious strip club kerfuffle. Lawhd have mercy, this man would do well to stay away from any and all establishments that serve liquor and utilize greased poles as day-core.

Anyhoo, now that Mister Pacman will be moving to Dallas (or perhaps he already has), he's no longer in need of this 30.36 acre spread in rural and famous folk friendly Franklin, TN that property records reveal he purchased in July of 2006 for $1,575,000 from ack-tress Andrea Fry and writer/producer Michael Zomber, a couple of industry people with itty bitty resumes on the Internet Movie Data Base.

When Redneck Reba first contacted Your Mama she asked, "Have you seen the ugliest house in Franklin, TN yet?"

And Your Mama thought, innocently, "How bad can it be?"

Well children, as you can see, it's about as bad as it can be.

Nobody, and we mean no-bah-dee, including Your Mama or our ball crazy pal Fiona Trambeau–a tart who knows intimate things about men who play with balls for a living–expects a professional football player in his early twenties flush with fat paychecks from the Tennessee Titans to live tastefully. But Jeezis, Mary and Joseph does every room need to have puffy black leather furniture and a behemoth wall mounted, porn ready boob-toob?

We recognize that Mister Pacman may not have been inclined to hire himself a nice gay decorator to help him out with his selection of lamps and couch cushions, but couldn't he have at least asked for a little decorating help from Tawny Tweenerlegs down at the local Strip and Bowl? Seriously.

Granted, the grounds are gorgeous, bucolic and horsey and we do love the private lake which we feel would be a lot less corny and Disneyland-ish if someone flipped the switch to turn off those silly fountain things. But the brick built house is, well, we don't mean to offend anyone, but it's an absolute disaster. In addition to the 5,875 square foot main house with it's 5 bedrooms and 4 full and 2 half bathrooms there are two other residences with untold numbers of bedrooms, bathrooms and black leather couches. In all serious, this would be an excellent home for a man with two or three wives. Or perhaps a woman with two or three huzbands...as Judy Tenuta would say, "It could happen."

That's all we have to say on the matter since any more would have us laid out under the table passed out from the hideosity and the gin and tonics. And that won't do because Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have reservations at a ridiculously expensive but dee-lishusly tasty Mexican restaurant tonight and we want to be sober for the experience...at least when we get there.

We're sure some of you are wondering where Mister Pacman is living now that he's a Texan by profession. Well, we could look it up and ask our people in Dallas, but puppies, we just do not want to know that this man is out there buying and filling up some gigantic house in the suburbs of Dallas with more big beds covered in black fabric, nailing a dozen or more flat screen boob toobs to the walls and sticking a giant hot tub out on the deck in the back.

Brooke Astor's Posh Park Avenue Aerie

SELLER: Estate of Brooke Astor
LOCATION: 778 Park Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $46,000,000 (monthly maintenance = $17,251)
SIZE: 5 bedrooms 5.5 bathrooms (plus 4 staff rooms)
DESCRIPTION: ...A large centrally located reception gallery, with wet bar, leads to the beautifully scaled entertaining spaces which comprises a grand living room with a wood-burning fireplace and open views up and down Park Avenue, the well renowned Albert Hadley red lacquer, corner library with a wood-burning fireplace and French doors leading out to a terrace. An expansive kitchen with pantry, service hall, and three maid's rooms extend the possibility of a vast eat-in kitchen and family room with views toward Central Park...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Behold the ballyhooed and behemoth Park Avenue penthouse that was home to high society high priestess Brooke Astor for more years than Your Mama has lived on this earth. Surely all the children already know the incredible story of Miz Astor's 105 year old life, how she fraternized with the finest and how she gave away hundreds of millions of dollars of her inherited fortune. And then of course, we're all too familiar with the sad saga and lurid accusations of elder abuse that ensued in her dying days. If we had the time or inclination to re-write that story it would surely read like the script of a melodramatic telenovela. However, why take the time when we're falling behind in our other duties and when New York Magazine did an excellent job recounting every sordid, scandalous and dee-lishus detail of the big money death bed drama late last year?

So let's stick to what we know, which is the real estate. Rather surprisingly, the much discussed and highly anticipated listing of her posh Park Avenue duplex hit the internets late last week with a bank account busting–but not unexpected–asking price of $46,000,000. Honestly puppies, Your Mama is quite surprised to see this prime piece of Park Avenue real estate hit the open market at all. We'd have bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that there were oil barons, hedge hogs and filthy rich potentates and tycoons from around the world lined up three deep at the office door of lucky listing agent Leighton Candler screaming and waving bank statements showing colossal cash reserves and assets. Good thing we're not the betting type, right?

Anyhoo, Your Mama does not need to tell the children that one need be far more than just a little rich to persuade the lovely Miz Candler to pull the keys from the vault and offer a glimpse inside the hallowed halls and rooms of Miz Astor's aerie. Not only is the regal Rosario Candela designed 778 Park Avenue an all cash building, but it's likely that the powerful co-op board will require any potential buyer show three (or more) times the purchase price in assets. Liquid assets.

As expected, the 14 room, 5 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom penthouse is jaw dropping, mouth watering and insanely luxe enough to cause even the healthy to have a seizure. Yes, the day-core is probably a little Rich-Grandma for most people's modern sensibilities, but in Your Mama 's big book of interior day-core it's still drop dead dignified and we think the soo-blime work of Sister Parish (and Albert Hadley) has withstood and endured the troublesome test of time. Besides and none the less, it's expected by all the know-nothings that Your Mama has spoken to that the buyer will probably remove every bit of Brooke Astor in a full scale renovation.

The size, scope and gray-shush lay out of the 15th and 16th floor duplex is what really leaves looky-loos like Your Mama and folks with $46,000,000 to spare drooling and chomping at the bit to get in there with a big name architect and a team of nice gay decorators. First there are the exquisitely scaled public rooms (the 29' entrance gallery, the 26' dining room, the 28' long living room) which are perfect for impressing charity function guests. Then there are the six terraces, five fireplaces, 4 staff rooms, and of course, last but not least is the legendary lacquered library that was done up and worked over by noted New York City decorator Albert Hadley (a former acolyte of Sister Parish, natch) who famously coated the walls with 10 meticulous layers of glossy red paint.

Honestly kids, Your Mama doesn't care if the stinking rich new owner rips this place up, installs CIA style security, a walk in wine cave, a cigar lounge, a gym, a home office and/or whatever other dee-luxe nonsense billionaires think they need in their homes. But for the sake of history and provenance, we do so hope they leave the bones of the library intact. Sure, swap out the balloon curtain things–a bit of frippery we've never understood anyway, trade the flower printed sofas for something down filled and covered in velvet. We're good with that. Have at it. But please, please keep the red lacquered walls that look like they're dripping the blood of the under-privileged and please restore floor to ceiling bookcases with their brass accents and fill them with rare books and first editions with exquisite bindings that cost more than most people can spend on an automobile. Because for better or worse, some things just should never change.

Your Mama is quite certain that the sale of this apartment will have all the real estate gossips' tongues wagging and fingers a-flyin' on their keyboards. So get ready, because the buyer speculation shit is going to be hitting the fan soon. Good times. Good times.